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July Musing from Rebecca Crichton: Living in a Conditional World
I grew up in the days when women aimed to be wives and mothers as a primary goal. Recently, I had a conversation with friends about the books and concepts we remember from when the social movements of the 60s were shaking the foundations of our beliefs.
I believed there was such a thing as unconditional love, and I was always looking for it. I wasn’t the only one disappointed to discover how conditional the world is.
The German psychologist Erich Fromm first introduced the concept of unconditional love in 1934 and expanded on it in his 1956 book, The Art of Loving. Fromm associated the phrase with motherly love—love given without conditions or expectations—while describing fatherly love as more conditional, tied to a child’s behavior and accomplishments. His idea has been used since then to describe love without reciprocity or condition.
In the 1970s, my partner was a psychiatrist who doubted whether anybody actually experienced the lofty realm of unconditional love. He said that, for almost all of us, love always comes with conditions. Waiting for somebody to accept everything about us and expecting nothing in return is not just foolish but dangerous.
We live in a conditional world. There are always expectations of behaviors and norms around ways to interact and the choices we make. All of them require us to fulfill certain conditions.
It is also a world that is deeply transactional. In the day-to-day lives we lead, the norm involves an exchange of some sort. We accept that you can’t or shouldn’t expect something for nothing. This might be why we are so captivated by moments of kindness and compassion—the Starbucks line of 300 people all paying it forward for each other, the popularity of the bumper sticker telling people to Practice Random Acts of Kindness.
It is not that I am deeply cynical and think that humans are incapable of giving without expecting something in return. Instead, I think I am realistic and somewhat pragmatic about how we go about relating to each other in ways that promote interchange and interdependence. We all benefit from helping others and being helped. It is the kind of transactional behavior that leads us to expand the conditions in our lives.
Conditions affect everything we do, and they relate to the constraints and limitations I write about in my essay this month, Our Personal Quotas.
We are pleased to host an event on July 14 with Abbie Rosner, D.C-.based author of the book Psychedelics and the Counterculture of Aging. Space is limited, so if you plan to attend, email your RSVP soon. You’ll be sent exact location information after you do.
Our guest essay from Sue Robin gracefully reminds us that there is No Such Thing as Perfection. Like last month’s contributor, Barry Rosenbaum, Sue writes frequently for NWCCA Associate Director Ruth Neuwald Falcon’s Not Just My Blog. I’ve been impressed with the quality of their writing there, so I am delighted that they agreed to share their thoughts with us.
May you be supported by the conditions that make your life rich and meaningful!
Rebecca
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