Opening Our Hearts with Forgiveness

by Rebecca Crichton

The Jewish High Holidays fall in October this year, starting with Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, on the evening of October 2, and continuing until Yom Kippur – the Day of Atonement – on October 12.  The ten-day span between those two events is often called the Days of Awe. It is the time when we are asked to reflect on the past year and the ways we have ‘missed the mark,’ the literal translation for the Hebrew word ‘chayt,’ often translated as ‘sin.’

We are encouraged to ask for forgiveness from others for ways we might have caused distress or pain or created distance and misunderstanding. While we can be assured that we can renew our relationship with God through prayer, and with ourselves in a variety of ways, when it comes to clearing what has happened with others, we are supposed to do it as personally as possible.

That yearly opportunity for saying I’m sorry and asking forgiveness from friends and family is something I both dread and appreciate. Apologizing is only the first part of it. The deeper need is to inquire about what we have done that has been painful or uncomfortable for the other person. It means listening and not defending or explaining or pushing back with any kind of “…Well, you also…”

It means hearing about things you wouldn’t have imagined were hard for someone else: comments you made that felt critical; changed plans that someone else took to mean you didn’t care about them.

A friend proposed the following Four Levels of Apology.

 Level One is the polite “I’m sorry” we say when we inadvertently do something like bump into someone, or interrupt when they’re speaking. It is polite and expected. It isn’t hard, and it smooths the social fabric.

Level Two is when we acknowledge we hadn’t known we had caused hurt by something we did or said. It might not have been on purpose, but we hear the feelings and apologize. We might find it hard to take the other person’s complaints seriously and their holding on to it for a long time might seem petty. But it happened and we need to honor that what we did was not okay for them.

Level Three is an apology which recognizes that, I would have felt that way too. It is acknowledging that what we said or did that someone else experienced as hurtful — had it happened to us — would also have been wounding.

Level Four is the deepest and most challenging. It could best be expressed as: Thank you for telling me. It is an opportunity to transform how we behave and change how we interact. It invites us to look at ourselves through the eyes of another person, seeing how they see us, and recognizing how different that might be from how we see ourselves and how we want to be seen.

That level of apology and recognition, while not easy, can be freeing. We can apologize honestly and ask forgiveness because most of us want our lives to have less conflict and confusion. And we want our relationships to be loving, supportive, and empathetic.

Those four levels help us clear what we have done to others, yet still leave us with the other side of the equation: telling someone when they have hurt us.

For me, that feels harder than admitting what I have done and committing to changing it. Telling someone else how their behaviors or words hurt me, feels uncomfortable and provokes fear. I often decide that my hurt is not that important compared to ‘serious’ things that people deal with. I sometimes feel embarrassed and petty bringing them up.

When I can let it go, I feel better. And sometimes I can’t. The ‘small’ things – comments that felt judgmental, behaviors that felt dismissive or insensitive – rankle. I often decide that those behaviors are ‘just how they are, they’re not going to change.’ And I believe that leaves out the possibility for real depth and real growth for both of us.

Neither asking forgiveness nor telling someone they have hurt us is easy. Yet when I do it, I feel lighter and freer.

I want to enter this New Year with more commitment to keeping old stories and hurts from piling up.

So here is my New Year’s wish for all of us: May it be a year in which the relationships that matter most to us are clear and loving. May we cultivate an open heart.