Relational

by Rebecca Crichton

In The Good Life – Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness by Robert Waldinger, MD and March Schulz, PhD, the authors report the findings from the Harvard Study of Adult Development. The study followed the lives of two generations of individuals from the same families for more than eighty years. The 290-page book includes additional longitudinal studies that broaden the range of inquiry to include gender and cultural differences.

The authors write:

“We are often asked to summarize the findings of the Harvard Study. People want to know: What is the most important thing we’ve learned?”

While stating their resistance to reducing the findings to simple answers, they write:

“But when we really think about the consistent signal that comes through after eighty-four years of study and hundreds of research papers, it is that one simple message:

Positive relationships are essential to human well-being.”

Of course, I am intrigued about what that means in the broadest possible ways. What qualifies relationships as positive? With whom and with what are we in relationship?

While I often write about the importance of community and the value of fully engaging with our lives, I haven’t intentionally explored the broad category of relationship beyond how we relate to other people. When I do, my response is a combination of Duh! and Ah-ha!

At its most basic, I am constantly in relationship with my own life and identity. With my health and the ways I do or don’t take care of myself. With my books, the entertainment I choose, my personal space, and the environment around me. The weather. Politics. The past, present and future. I recognize that my life is about how I relate to and interact with my environment and the people in it.

Dr. Carl Rogers, psychologist and proponent of person-centered therapy, a primary element of humanistic psychology. approached his clients with ‘unconditional positive regard.’ That concept transcends liking or approving of another person. It represents a deeper approach that acknowledges people’s intrinsic worth and value.  It isn’t something to be earned, it recognizes each person’s inherent right to be seen, heard, and respected.

Those ideas, dating from the middle of last century, can seem almost quaint. Our world favors snarky cynical memes and nasty and downright uncivil interactions. Our society as a whole is Ageist, including our own inner ageism. A friend bemoaned that she “wanted her cataracts back” after they were removed, since looking in the mirror now revealed wrinkles she hadn’t noticed before and didn’t want to keep seeing!  

Among the top goals for most therapy is learning to forge a new relationship with yourself, one that is loving, accepting, and compassionate.  

Once, while I was in therapy, I agreed to create and practice affirmations to help with my inner critical voice. I wrote down three simple sentences, all present tense – one of the rules for affirmations – and discovered I had trouble remembering and using them. My self-talk was so consistently critical and anxious that I had trouble letting in positive statements of my value and right to be loved. I called my nightly attempt to say the affirmations before sleep ‘mental hygiene.’ It took months to turn them into a habit and even then, the old tapes kept playing.

How are your relationships? More to the point, what are your relationships? With whom or what? What qualifies a relationship as positive as opposed to negative or even toxic?

What elements characterize your positive relationships? When asked, friends have mentioned kindness, trust, equality, or mutuality.

What else are you in relationship with? Your pets? Your garden? Nature? Your favorite TV shows?

All the elements that matter to you can increase your sense of well-being. Whatever opens your heart and frees your thinking can help you navigate these challenging times.